Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they explore what cheating means to different people and how to set boundaries in your own relationship. Have a question or story idea for Dr. Srinivasan? Submit it here.
My definition of cheating has evolved over the years.
At 10, my crush having lunch with another girl was considered peak betrayal.
At 16, I went based off what other kids in my grade told me was cheating. That mean watching porn, masturbating without the other person present, or texting literally any other member of a different sex was totally off-limits.
At 24, still influenced by heterosexual norms, I started to define cheating for myself. Kissing or sleeping with other men was a no-go, but kissing other women didn’t count as long as I did it in front of my boyfriend or told him about it later. Going to strip clubs, flirting with other people, and watching porn were now fair game.
At 27, the definition expanded to include women once I came out as bisexual and my understanding of sexuality changed.
Now, at 34, my definition of cheating is any action that breaks the mutual trust or boundaries I’ve set with my husband. This includes being emotionally, romantically, or sexually involved with someone else.
This type of shift in perspective as you get older is fairly common, something MoAndra Johnson, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, attributes to greater openness in society around nonmonogamy, sexual fluidity, and relationship diversity. “Flirting, consuming adult content, or exploring queer spaces individually doesn’t automatically signal a problem,” Johnson says. “It can actually support individual autonomy, identity, and self-expression.”
When I first started writing this story, I was attempting to answer a reader’s question: “Can cheating ever be good for a relationship?” But I got stuck trying to come to a conclusion because, as it turns out, cheating isn’t as black and white as we might think. While most people agree that, if you are in a monogamous relationship, having sex with someone who isn’t your partner is cheating, opinions vary widely on other physical and non-physical activities. Fantasizing, watching porn, going to queer parties, and having friends of the opposite sex are often classified as activities that could potentially lead to adulterous behavior, but not everyone sees them as red flags.